when love came to town
When someone we love dies, we become selfish. Death becomes not about the person who died, but about those of us who are left behind. I remember when my mother died, my father kept it all in and if he cried about it, I never really knew. A year later when Sophie, our Burmese cat died, he cried inconsolably for days.
Losing an animal seems to bring out stronger feelings because, unlike humans, our animals never judge us, never bear grudges, never say things they shouldn't, never wound us with harsh looks or comments. They never stop loving us, no matter how mean, petty, disagreeable and wretched we are. This is what we need to learn to be like with other humans and this is why losing the one who loves you above all others cuts like knife.
Last year when I was in Australia and so lost I didn't know which end was up, a labrador dog came into my life. People come into your life for a reason and so do animals. My friend didn't need another dog, but there he was anyway, small and blonde and beautiful and suddenly in her garden and in my life. There were days when I thought I would go completely blind with the pain that was inside me, but everything changed when Toby came to town. He grew big, I mean huge, he wagged his tail so hard every time he saw us that it could have powered enough electricity for a small town, but there was something about his eyes that gave me a lifeline.
Toby could see right into my soul and in his eyes I could see the power of the universe. I could go on endlessly about how he would suddenly get up off the floor, come over and stick his big face on my thigh and stare up at me, or how he would sit beside me and cuddle right up close as if he knew what I was feeling, but all dogs are good at that. We could be like that too but we just never learn to read the signs in others. We could do it if we stopped thinking about ourselves alone, like Toby.
He taught me patience, because by God you need patience with a puppy; but mostly he taught me how to love again. Toby, I don't know who you were, or who sent you, but you came when you were needed the most and you gave of yourself so selflessly. To people who would say that you were just a dog, you didn't get the chance to experience Toby's love in your life, to have that full on joy to the world experience or be taught what is the most difficult thing for human beings to do - love unconditionally.
Nineteen months is not a long time to be on this Earth, even for a labrador dog. Often I have wished I wasn't so sentimental about animals because when they die, the pain, the loss of that unconditional love is almost too much to endure. But if I hadn't had him, I'd have lost so much more. Today has been a sad day because mourning the loss of a beloved animal reminds me that I still have so much learn and so much to give and I'll never quite match up to his high standards. But then again, he wouldn't want me to, he loved me for being me. He loved us all equally, the good and the bad, he made no distinction.
Today should be a celebration of pure love. Because love is pure and it rises to the top of all the mess in our lives and we should embrace it and reach for it whenever we can, no matter where it comes from. Today is the day that love came to town.
For Toby - March 2006 - December 2007